Hey, remember yesterday and the day before and the day before that when all we were hearing about was what we need to be afraid of? Well, if you didn’t, here are a few things that top the list in America: Terrorism, Communism, poverty, the degradation of the environment, airport security molesting you via pat down and lots of other stuff (Furbies still exist). But I’m almost positive these aren’t the things we should be concerning ourselves with.

What we do need to concern ourselves with, however, is the Texting Dictionary of Acronyms. Are you kidding me with this thing? I mean, seriously. I wonder what the author was thinking when he came up with this gem: “You know what? I don’t think this country is illiterate enough, so maybe I’ll create a dictionary to help them along.” Nice. Nice.

Just to prove that this soon-to-be-Nobel-Prize-winner wasn’t a joke, I purchased one. Although, now that I think about it, I’m actually supporting the nonsense, so I’ll allow criticism for my actions. On second thought, my public bashing of it makes spending money on it okay. In any case, here are a few examples of what you can find in the TDOA:

PMIGBOM – Put mind in gear before opening mouth

Really? We couldn’t just say, “Hey, think before you speak”? No, we’d probably change that to TBYS. Actually, we probably couldn’t do that either, because that could stand for “To Be You is Stupid”. Hey, author of the TDOA, TBYS.

STPPYNOZGTW – Stop Picking Your Nose, Get To Work

The phrase “Stop picking your nose” is an idiom, and its usage indicates that one isn’t doing anything. To add “Get to Work” at the end of the phrase is redundant and useless… just like this dictionary. That’s like saying, “That was an unexpected surprise.” Of course the surprise was unexpected, it wouldn’t have been a surprise if it wasn’t, you jackweed. Redundancy is funny when it is done on purpose, not when you’re ignorant.

SWALBCAKWS – Sealed With A Lick Because A Kiss Won’t Stick

I bet this how the author got this piece of garbage published.

FYSBIGTBABN - Fasten Your Seat Belts It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Night

If you are not familiar, this popular phrase came from the film All About Eve. I don’t have anything to say about that.

EIMTBOARBJOTBISEWIMC - Either I Am The Butt Of A Really Bad Joke Or This Book Is Serious Either Way I Am Concerned.

No, this one isn’t in the TDOA, but it very well should be; it has all the characteristics: useless, useless and useless.

DILLIGAC – Do I Look Like I Give A Crap

Forget the acronym for a second. What good is this phrase if it’s sent through text? I cannot see you, therefore I cannot determine if it looks like you give a crap. Two people, possibly three, are guilty of stupidity in this case: the author of the TDOA and the person who is saying this phrase via text. A third party can be guilty of stupidity if they were to reply with anything other than “What the hell is DILLIGAC?”.

Using acronyms that are over five characters long is ridiculous and unconventional. IUPUI, ASPCA and NAACP are pretty long, but they represent something relevant. What good is the time saved using the acronym INUCOSM if the person you are texting replies with “???” There isn’t any time saved, only time wasted. Now you have to type out “It’s No Use Crying Over Spilt Milk,” and feel sheepish because you tried to be hip and use acronyms from the TDOA. Shame on you; pick up a phone and have a real conversation.

The use of acronyms like these in everyday speech patterns is negatively affecting the literacy and intelligence of the American people. We already live in an age of anti-intellectualism, this publication is just IOTC. Terry Jones, here’s a book you can burn.

Hey, author of the TDOA… not-so-fantastic.