Like an annoying rash or hiccups, everything must go away at some point. That is why I will be leaving you, Facebook. I can only imagine how upset you must be. All the times we shared; the poking, growing virtual who-knows-what on Farmville, carrying on useless conversations on our Walls even though it would probably be a lot more efficient to pick up a damn phone, posting all my favorite movies, music and interests on my profile, and then having you automatically “Like” everything on my behalf. If I really wanted someone to speak for me, I’d get a girlfriend. I thought this relationship was going to be platonic, then you turned it into something more; how could you?
Let’s not forget having people answer questions about us and then not being able to access those answers because you need Facebook credits for that and those cost money, so you try convincing yourself that the answers aren’t important, but you know you’re insecure, so you sign up for a free trial Netflix membership to get 2300 credits, then you get your credits and 8 months later realize you’ve been charged $9.95 a month for something you didn’t even know you signed up for, but you decide that the $79.60 you were charged was worth unlocking answers to some of the questions, and finding out that so-and-so didn’t think you were gay, were a good friend and thought you were a good kisser, and getting a little bit scared when you find out the same person answered most of the questions, and even more scared when you realize it was a guy.
You know as well as I do, Facebook, the we could go on for days, but I’d rather not, because I don’t want to get too nostalgic and start tearing up. Despite my parting, you should not fret, because you can still find me on twitter (@theobviousjames) and heyfantastic.com. There’s an old saying that “Good wine needs no bush”; I just wanted to let you know, I have no idea what that means. Hey, Facebook… not-so-fantastic.